it seems they come unannounced, obtrusive and inappropriate at times.

this past friday morning, i loaded up the babies and we flew to Midland for the weekend, while the packers came and put everything we own in boxes.

but at 7am when i left, the house was exactly as it always is — i might as well have only been going to the grocery store for some more milk.

even though i KNEW the house was all packed, husband and i were in mid conversation when i came through the door tonight – the same door i’ve dragged sleeping and crying and laughing babies through hundreds of times . . . only to find this:

it took my breath away and i suddenly burst into tears for the first time in a few weeks regarding the move.

there have been times it would have been more appropriate to cry — for example, at our little goodbye shindig where we clung tightly to our dear friends and promised it wasn’t “goodbye” it was only a “see you later!”. after all, we are only going 4 hours away . . .

but no, i didn’t shed a tear. and it wasn’t because it wasn’t sad, because it was. the tears just didn’t come.

then there were other times, where i felt like i was cheating on my current life to even feel a break a smile about the possibilities that await us on the other end of all the boxes . . . because we are aren’t running from anything here. we are simply moving forward.

anyway. it’s midnight, and dark, and the house feels a little stuffy from being shut up all weekend. and there are boxes covering every floor, and frankly, i can’t even think about around now.

but tomorrow is a new day, and it will bring sunshine. and sweat. and lots of “ohhhh, and we can’t forget to do such and such before we get on the road!”

and we’ll greet the loading truck with starbucks and smile at the adventure that lies just a few miles down 45 . . .

you are juuuuust now starting to sound out words — you do lots of signing, but you’ve been really stubborn about repeating any sounds or words.

your first {and only} word is Eat, with the sign, just like a true Man’s would be.

but last week, you were in the best of moods! you were laughing and charming Nikki & Lisa, and you wanted to please us so badly . . .

we were working with a new toy, Tic Tac Tony {which i cannot find ANYWHERE, if anyone knows how to get it, let me know!!} and were sounding out More.  you have signed “more” since about 10 months old, but have never said it once . . .

and all of a sudden, you just SAID IT!!!!!  oh, and you were so proud!!  you tried and tried . . . and what we haven’t realized {bad mommy!!} was that you need to be reminded to put your head down and close your mouth.  your mouth is open quite often, with your head tilted to the back, and MAN is it hard to say words like that!

so, you suddenly realized that if you put your hands to your mouth and help close it, you can do your M’s!!!  hooray!

oh, i was so very proud of you.  there was a LOT of celebrating and hooping and hollerin’.

i will always celebrate the small victories with you, my jackson, because i know they are major victories for you.  i cannot wait for the day you say Mama . . . i’ll swoop you up and kiss those cheeks like crazy.  i lover you, jax man!

i might have noticed about every 10 years or so, perhaps if someone tweeted about it . . .

except that 2 years ago, a little bundle of love, one with an extra dose of chromosome 21, was born into our lives . . . and i am now acutely aware of things like World Down Syndrome Day.

when jax was less than two weeks old, we were introduced to a family with a sweet little 18 month old girl who had down syndrome.  we bundled up our tiny infant and made the longest 3 mile journey i’ve ever made. jonathan drove and i sat in nervous silence while our minds raced and spoke louder than words ever would . . .

i remember sitting with these dear friends we had just met, tears pouring down all our faces as i asked inappropriate questions like:

are you supposed to say, “my kid has Downs” or do i just say Down syndrome?

am i obligated to acknowledge the elephant in the room to everyone (aka strangers in the produce section of central market) that yes, indeed jackson’s gorgeous blue almond eyes means he has Down syndrome?

does it make you angry now when you hear the word retarded?

does it mean he won’t get invited to the other kid’s birthday parties because he looks different or he can’t keep up?

will it mean that a neighborhood mom won’t call me to join them on a stroll because she’s embarrassed?

in the quietness of their living room, her words pierced me, “Mica, there will never be a box for you.”  just like that. she said it. air hung on those words as i let them sink in . . .

and she was right.  while these past 2 years have been full of joy, there have been those little fleeting moments of uncertainty, where i’m just not quite sure where i fit in.  it’s those little moments where i’m learning what awareness is really all about . . . like when people ask his age, quietly wondering to themselves, “shouldn’t kids be able to walk by 2 years old?”  or when i’m in the waiting room at the pediatrician and i nervously laugh that oh, yes he’s 2, but he’s not really talking yet . . .

sometimes i throw it out there.  ya know, like the “i know that you know know i know” sort of thing.

then other times, i don’t feel the need to explain anything,  and so they quietly wonder.

there are things i still don’t know.

i’m not sure i’ll ever be ready to read books on Down syndrome or hear about “so and so’s cousin” with DS who is working! at a grocery store!  they say it with 2 exclamation points like i should be looking forward to my jackson being a bagger at kroger.

and here’s the deal.  if it makes HIM happy, then by all means, he can work and do as he pleases.

but right now, he’s 2 years old.  he delights in the magic of balloons.  he could watch toy story 3 every day if i let him.  he sequels with excitement when i open the front door at the adventures that await us out there.  he whines in his carseat until i play Ceo Lo Green’s “Forget You” or some other ridiculous pop song that i’m sure makes me a bad mother.

and while i’m quite positive that before 02.15.09, on multiple occasions i said some version of, “Oh, don’t be retarded!” i don’t feel sad, because i simply wasn’t aware of who might have taken offense at the R-word . . .

good ole’ websters says awareness means “concerned and well-informed of a situation or fact”.

in the past two years, i could have never guessed that my list of things i’d be “well-informed” about would be things like SureSteps, proprioception, Nystagmus, and ocular Torticollis.  but alas, not only has my vocabulary grown, but my capacity to extend grace towards those who are simply, unaware.

so, my jackson, thank you for opening my eyes to the simplicity of ball pits, balloons blowing in the breeze, and the glorious feeling of new spring grass running through our fingers.  i’m pretty sure i’m a better mother because of you, and i can’t wait for all the other things you will teach me along our way.

sometimes it’s hard to truly identify exactly what you are feeling, so you sort of pretend you are mad (for example) for an hour/day, whatever you need.  if it feels good, then hooray! you have identified your feeling!  if it doesn’t feel right, you can try on another emotion. most of the time, i realize, hey! i’m not mad at all, i’m actually feeling a bit sad . . .

in an effort to sort of clear through some mind clutter about the work/mama balance, this past week i allowed myself to “try on” Being A Mama.  i removed any guilt that i should be working on client projects, and hardly sat in front of my computer . . . and honestly, i was scared to death what might happen.

what if i HATE not working??  what if i’m a terrible mom 24/7??  what if i need to start drinking wine at 4pm because the kids have run me ragged?

the most incredible thing happened:  I Loved Every Second of It.

here are a few highlights of the week in mommyland:

i dusted off my REAL camera (remember the days of non-iphone pics!?) and had a glorious time taking candid pictures of the kids outside . . .

my creative energy  somehow redirected itself into Jackson’s 2 year party.  the “casual park afternoon party” took on a whole new level when i had time and creative brainpower to think about it.  this is where my need for problem solving and graphic design skills come in handy . . . i started rummaging around my craft baskets for free little touches that i could add to the party to bring it to life.  {i have a few posts about this coming up — one about the people who came and then another on the fun last minute details, so stay tuned}

we had a blast all week.  we crafted. we wrestled. we swung. we walked long walks.  we sat in the sunlight patches in our backyard for no reason.  we put away clothes that were too small.

all in all, it was glorious.

and don’t worry, clients, i haven’t forgotten about you.

i love how you love your brother.  i’ve never seen you smile the way you smile at him – smiling and laughing if he looks in your direction or starts crawling over to you, usually to steal your toy  . . . which of course, you happily hand him and smile.

a few months ago something struck me on a level that i couldn’t really take in — you will never see your brother as anything but Jackson, your big brother.  you think he hung the moon.  seriously.  you watch him like a hawk, try to do everything he does, and he doesn’t even give you the time of day.  he barely notices you, and when he does, he usually tries to pull your eyes out or makes sure your ears are still attached.

your unfailing love for him amazes me.  this afternoon i put both of you in your crib just for a moment so i could put away some laundry. i knew i couldn’t go very far because jackson has a sketchy past of attacking your sweet little face . . . but this time, he just sat there and you two smiled and laughed at each other for a long while.  it made my heart flutter in ways i didn’t know it could do . . .

and then of course, the Swiper striked again, over and over and still, you kept smiling.  you finally started swiping back — which of course, did NOT make jackson very pumped.  he threw a pretend tantrum {he’s gotten good at that recently} and you just kept on smiling at him, thinking it was a game.

but what was so incredible was the realization that you love jackson for EXACTLY who he is, and always will.  your little eyes don’t see some of the things i see sometimes .  . .

thank you for teaching me this afternoon what it could look like to just love, unhindered.

i attended a Polish luncheon yesterday, and Bill Hendricks spoke on Giftedness and it was an extremely powerful and encouraging message.

basically, he uses the word Giftedness to describe the inborn core strengths and natural motivation you instinctively use to do things that are satisfying and productive. Not just what you can do, but what you were born to do, enjoy doing, and do very well.

he had us rank our job satisfaction on a scale of 1-5 (1 means you hate your life every day in your current job, and 5 means you think you have the greatest job in the world).

i literally had to hold back the tears during the talk — because i’m a 5.  a legit, bonafide Five.  I absolutely LOVE my job (jobs).  Love. Love. Love.  most days i think i’m the luckiest gal in the whole world that i can dream and design and by some miracle, people pay for these services and products.

BUT, this comes with a difficult challenge:  i LOVE being a mom too.  i’m crazy in love with my kiddos, and i don’t want to miss a blink.

for the past two years i’ve been in Limbo.  limbo of being pregnant/nursing and raising these little babes, WHILE trying to maintain and keep up client relationships, gain new business, and altogether grow both Mica May Design and May Books.

the TRUTH is that i’m in way over my head.  the TRUTH is that i’m conflicted every day about wanting to spend time with my kids and wanting to work.  the TRUTH is that i’m a better woman, wife, and mom when i DO work!  the TRUTH is that there is not a perfect system for me as a “full time work at home mom” . . . and the logistics are killing me.

this year is all about being intentional (with my time/relationships/spending habits), and i think that as much as this artist bucks The System, i truly do need it.

i have had to teach myself the value of structure – scheduling my weeks, our meals, our yearly trips, etc.

but i have found that there is FREEDOM within the bounds of structure!  i just need to remind myself of these every day — because my mind doesn’t work in linear boxes.  my mind is a crazy place of designs and hopes and dreams and plans yet to be set . . . and i forget that a structure can be my friend in the midst of the craziness.

right now, my day to day life is a little tricky. madelyn needs more and more attention and work is at all time high.  until now, i’ve been able to sneak work into the nooks and crannys of my day (while she naps, plays in her excersaucer, on tuesdays when she is a MDO, and in the evenings when they are in bed). in August, she will join her brother at RISE 2-3 times a week, which will be a GREAT solution for both of us (she will love all the stimulation and the learning!) and i’ll have a quiet house i can full devote to work three days a week.

until then, i’m looking for a solution for me and my Madi.  i think i’m in denial that i need help more days a week than i’d like to admit.  with the NSS looming and lots of new design projects, i think scheduling out exact work hours and hiring some extra help is inevitable.

while i’d love to cook gourmet meals, grow veggies in our backyard, make all their photo albums of the past two years, go to yoga every morning . . . this just isn’t the season for those things.  my priorities are my hubby, my babies, and my companies.

yes, we’ll eat, but it might be an egg sandwich and i’m just perfectly fine with that!

because, something’s gotta give.

“Hey, guess what?! I know what I love. Groups, responsibility and plans.”

hmmmmmmm.  pretty weird for a 6th grader.

what i’ve come to realize after 6 years of marriage, several years owning 2 businesses, and now having 2 kids: there is a LOT to plan and manage.  unfort. this is NOT the new news.

the realization is this:  i LOVE plans.  Love Them.  the anticipation of thinking about something before it happens is downright M-A-G-I-C-A-L for me.

when the days are long and the months are short (read: baby/toddler stage of life), it’s just a little bit of daily bliss to think about “going to Napa with the hubby in May” to give me a little pick me up during the daily grind.

i feel like the past few years have been all about survival.  keeping businesses afloat, building a house in 16 weeks, pregnant/nursing round the clock for essentially 2 years . . .

so to kick off the NEW year, husband and i saw down a did a little dreamin’.  did a little plannin’.

And I’m Freakin’ Pumped.

here are some highlights i’m especially looking forward to:

Jan – CRAVE Book Launch and Dream Weekend in Nashville!

May Books is one of 150 Dallas entrepreneurs to be featured in the first edition of Crave Dallas!  it’s super exciting — i had a big photo shoot of the studio and everything.  the book launch party is at the end of the month and can’t wait for it!

also, i turn the big 3-0, and i wanted to do something really memorable, so we are heading to Nashville with our besties, the Carrolls, to dream. I’ll be white boarding all about May Books/Mica May Design,and the Husband will be focusing on some exciting new endeavors for his private counseling practice.

Feb – Jackson turns 2!

we’ve decided that we’d like our kids’ birthdays to be all about giving BACK.  Lord knows we don’t need any more toys overtaking our living room.  so to start us off, we are throwing a kid’s book drive!  in lou of a gift, we are asking that the guests bring either a book from their PERSONAL collection (an opportunity for other moms teach their kids about sharing, ha), or they can bring a new book.  i’m giddy over designing the invites and other details, and some of the fun crafts that we’ll do at the party!

May – Anniversary and the National Stationery Show!

first, we will celebrate 6 incredible years of marriage!  {insert fist pumps here}.  one thing we want to make a priority each year is getting away without the kids/work and really have a blast together. i think we are heading to Napa/Sonoma this year!

then, May Books is heading to the National Stationery Show in NYC.  Oh. My. Word. i’m scared out of my mind.  i’m working around the clock to make sure every detail is perfect, we roll out new patterns, and we are ready to handle large orders, should they come our way.

June – Madelyn turns one!

{haven’t quite decided her “give back birthday theme” yet, but stay tuned}

July – Road trippin’ to Memphis!

We hope to visit the Carrolls in their posh new home for the 4th.

August – Midland bound.

Husband’s shares his birthday with his all time hero, his granddad, so they always celebrate together.

December – Christmas in Victoria.

We are heading to Canada to celebrate with Mom in her neck of the woods!

but here’s the deal. the thinking about it ahead of time is what i really love.  seriously.

if on July 2nd, something were to happen and we need to change plans and not head to Memphis for whatever reason, i can roll with it.  i’m not going to freak out about my plan not working.  it’s an opportunity to plan something new!!

so there it is.  a few things throughout the year i can cling to when it’s 4:30 in the afternoon and i’m not quite sure how i’ll make it to 7:30 when the kids are fast asleep in their beds.

now you all think i’m a total pyscho.  but hey, at least i’m flyin’ my flag.

I had a dream last night that you were running. It was amazing. I woke up and told your daddy that very soon, you were going to take off walking and soon to follow, running.
This evening with ALL of the family watching, you just let go of the couch and started walking on your own!! I love how you love praise and how it encourages you so much to keep going.
After two years…we are so so excited for you to walk!! I love you so very much my Jackson.

You are such a sweetie pie and you stole the show tonight.

watch the video here:

jax walking