i’ve recently been struggling with my role as a mother and what that really means.

i know we all have a different journey in parenting. but i’m stumped some days, as to what in the world to do with my littles all day.  i read blogs and pin crafts, but HELLO, my kids are like 18 months old!!

play dough goes in their mouth half the time, they “color” for about 2 seconds, and just when i think i have some great activities planned for the day, we’ve blown through them all and it’s 9:15am and i feel utterly defeated.

(this was taken this morning & they played together for about 2 minutes. then they threw the little pieces everywhere and it took me about 30 minutes to find them all, get a baggy to put them all in, and put it up where they couldn’t reach and destroy the game when i walked away later)

THE BACKSTORY.

because Jackson has Down syndrome – he’s not doing the things a typical 3 year old might do – he is more along the skills/cognition of an 18 month old.  he isn’t talking yet, and still requires a lot of TLC when we go out together on outings due to some sensory stuff.

at this point, i essentially have the equivalent of 20 month old twins.  jackson (3) and madelyn (20 months) are the same size. they eat the same things. wear the same size diapers. nap at the same time. bathe together. go to sleep at the same time, etc.

THE TRUTH.

the real and honest truth about the upcoming week (spring break, no beach plans!) is that i’m stressed about my sweet Jackson being home all day and my not being able to provide and be everything he needs.

spending the days with madelyn is easy – because she loves everything we do. the world is a magical place for her: she loves getting ready with me, brushing my hair, and she mimics everything i do. she’s eager to learn and she HELPS me teach her. she points to things and wants to know what they are, and she remembers the things we talk about. the other day, she had been too quiet so i went to find her – and she was in my closet trying on all my clothes! i didn’t teach her to do that! she just DID it!

everyone always says, just talk to your kids! that’s how you teach them!  well, i have spent the past 3 years talking to jackson. reading to him. making the “B” sound a zillion times. making the “mmmmm” sound a zillion times.

but having madelyn has helped me understand the process of learning on a whole new level. i am simply doing normal life and she is picking up on things – and it’s a natural part of her development. it finally makes sense to me.

but jackson? not the same. not the same at all. he has zero interest in animal sounds. or colors. or pointing to things in books. it has been an extreme challenge to know the balance between pushing him along and letting him just BE.

so why does spring break make me nervous?

at school, he gets: Speech Therapy, Music Therapy, Occupational Therapy, sometimes Sensory Integration Therapy . . .the list goes on. they are extremely structured and he knows what to expect in his daily routine.

but here?! at the house!? with 12 hours on our hands?! i’m sorry to say but i am not one of those home school type moms.

i want every minute i spend with Jackson to be intentional in helping him “succeed”.  to learn to talk. to point to things in books. to recognize animal sounds. to play with toys appropriately and not just throw them. but the truth is: HE DOESN’T CARE.

he would be happy playing with my hair for 45 minutes at a time, or simply sitting on my lap snuggling.  he has recently discovered our broom and can literally sit with that broom for 30 minutes and run his fingers through the bristols. he could flip the pages in books all day – without noticing what’s really on the pages. he takes Woody and throws him off the piano over and over and thinks it’s the most hilarious thing he’s ever seen in his whole life.

but i feel guilty when i let him do these things. i make it about ME. i think, “oh no!!  am i the worst mother on the planet!?  i’ve let jackson play with that broom now for 20 minutes straight! shouldn’t i be singing the ABC song over and over with the phonetic sounds so he’ll learn to speak quicker?! shouldn’t i have perfectly planned crafts that initiate his fine motor skills!?”

THE REVELATION.

tonight my {awesome} husband just looked at me and said “babe, Jackson is not going to start talking this week because you work with him on it 24/7. he’s going to talk when he wants to talk, and it’s not up to you.”

hmmmmm. thanks. thanks for that.

so as i was putting on jackson’s pajamas and giving him his nightly massage tonight, i began wondering what the role of a mother is. is it to say “bbbbbbball” a zillion times? to make sure my kids have their ABCs and numbers perfectly memorized before pre-K like all the other kids?

as i was wrestling with this, jax was just looking at me smiling and laughing, and our eyes were locked on each other. he felt comfort that he knew the bedtime routine. he felt LOVED. he felt like he was the only thing in the world right then that mattered. he grabbed my hair and pulled my face down to his face on the changing table — like he always does — and i hugged him tight and kissed him over and over while he laughed till i know his belly hurt.

and i knew that THAT was what i am supposed to do as a Mom.  i buy new jammers when their current ones creep a little to far along the calf. {or when your jax learns how to smear poo all over the crib in the middle of the night and we must revert back to full one-piece onesies}.

i make my kids laugh. i pray over them. i hug them tight tight tight when they get hurt. i make eye contact and celebrate them as much as i can.

i take care of their every physical need: feeding them {somewhat} healthy meals. bathe them. and change their diaper often.

i make sure they can put themselves to sleep and get enough rest every night. i make sure they have clean clothes and tidy{ish} rooms.  i teach them about sharing and how to “obey right away” – and discipline you appropriately.

because little babies can’t do these things for themselves.

so every night we wrestle. we have dance parties. and we brush our teeth. and somehow, i must believe, these things will all work together to create independent little human beings that feel loved and cherished by their mama.

but forcing my Jackson to play with play dough? because it makes me feel better about MY role in his fine motor skills?

nah, i think i’ll pass on that this week. this spring break is about enjoying one another. and lying around nap mats for no reason.

and i just might let jackson run his fingers through the grass for 30 whole minutes if he wants to.

because i simply can’t resist that smile when he’s doing something he loves.

so driving around this morning, I had a genius revelation.  I’ll cut to the chase, and then elaborate a little more — if you want to continue.

Blogging is about the Past. Most blog posts are pictures of things that have already happened, or a how to of something that has already happened.

Twitter is about the Present. People tweet about things they are doing right this second. Or things you read/view in real time.

Pinterest is about the Future. My PinBoards are all about creative inspiration of the things i WANT to do, not necessarily the things I have already done. They are styles/fashions I’d like to wear, recipes to try, projects to create — all in the future.

So here’s where the revelation gets good:

I recently took the Strength Finders test, and turns out, my top three strengths were:

Futuristic: People who are especially talented in the Futuristic theme are inspired by the future and what could be. They inspire others with their visions of the future.

Ideation: People who are especially talented in the Ideation theme are fascinated by ideas. They are able to find connections between seemingly disparate phenomena.

Focus: People who are especially talented in the Focus theme can take a direction, follow through, and make the corrections necessary to stay on track. They prioritize, then act.

This could not be more true of my personality. I am a dreamer. But I’m also a doer. But once something is DONE, I don’t really want to think about it. It’s not all that exciting to me anymore.

Helllloooooo Pinterest!  Pinterest is all about the future, ideas, and then doing.  I have a hard time blogging, because by the time I’ve done whatever craft I found on Pinterest, I sure as heck don’t want to take the time to upload images, make sure they are perfect, etc. . . I’m already repinning my Next Project.

there you have it.  i have a hard time staring the past in the face when there is so much exciting stuff to look forward to . . .

so, are you following me on Pinterest?! also, please follow May Books on it too — we are just starting out, so would love some followers!

it seems they come unannounced, obtrusive and inappropriate at times.

this past friday morning, i loaded up the babies and we flew to Midland for the weekend, while the packers came and put everything we own in boxes.

but at 7am when i left, the house was exactly as it always is — i might as well have only been going to the grocery store for some more milk.

even though i KNEW the house was all packed, husband and i were in mid conversation when i came through the door tonight – the same door i’ve dragged sleeping and crying and laughing babies through hundreds of times . . . only to find this:

it took my breath away and i suddenly burst into tears for the first time in a few weeks regarding the move.

there have been times it would have been more appropriate to cry — for example, at our little goodbye shindig where we clung tightly to our dear friends and promised it wasn’t “goodbye” it was only a “see you later!”. after all, we are only going 4 hours away . . .

but no, i didn’t shed a tear. and it wasn’t because it wasn’t sad, because it was. the tears just didn’t come.

then there were other times, where i felt like i was cheating on my current life to even feel a break a smile about the possibilities that await us on the other end of all the boxes . . . because we are aren’t running from anything here. we are simply moving forward.

anyway. it’s midnight, and dark, and the house feels a little stuffy from being shut up all weekend. and there are boxes covering every floor, and frankly, i can’t even think about around now.

but tomorrow is a new day, and it will bring sunshine. and sweat. and lots of “ohhhh, and we can’t forget to do such and such before we get on the road!”

and we’ll greet the loading truck with starbucks and smile at the adventure that lies just a few miles down 45 . . .

you are juuuuust now starting to sound out words — you do lots of signing, but you’ve been really stubborn about repeating any sounds or words.

your first {and only} word is Eat, with the sign, just like a true Man’s would be.

but last week, you were in the best of moods! you were laughing and charming Nikki & Lisa, and you wanted to please us so badly . . .

we were working with a new toy, Tic Tac Tony {which i cannot find ANYWHERE, if anyone knows how to get it, let me know!!} and were sounding out More.  you have signed “more” since about 10 months old, but have never said it once . . .

and all of a sudden, you just SAID IT!!!!!  oh, and you were so proud!!  you tried and tried . . . and what we haven’t realized {bad mommy!!} was that you need to be reminded to put your head down and close your mouth.  your mouth is open quite often, with your head tilted to the back, and MAN is it hard to say words like that!

so, you suddenly realized that if you put your hands to your mouth and help close it, you can do your M’s!!!  hooray!

oh, i was so very proud of you.  there was a LOT of celebrating and hooping and hollerin’.

i will always celebrate the small victories with you, my jackson, because i know they are major victories for you.  i cannot wait for the day you say Mama . . . i’ll swoop you up and kiss those cheeks like crazy.  i lover you, jax man!

i might have noticed about every 10 years or so, perhaps if someone tweeted about it . . .

except that 2 years ago, a little bundle of love, one with an extra dose of chromosome 21, was born into our lives . . . and i am now acutely aware of things like World Down Syndrome Day.

when jax was less than two weeks old, we were introduced to a family with a sweet little 18 month old girl who had down syndrome.  we bundled up our tiny infant and made the longest 3 mile journey i’ve ever made. jonathan drove and i sat in nervous silence while our minds raced and spoke louder than words ever would . . .

i remember sitting with these dear friends we had just met, tears pouring down all our faces as i asked inappropriate questions like:

are you supposed to say, “my kid has Downs” or do i just say Down syndrome?

am i obligated to acknowledge the elephant in the room to everyone (aka strangers in the produce section of central market) that yes, indeed jackson’s gorgeous blue almond eyes means he has Down syndrome?

does it make you angry now when you hear the word retarded?

does it mean he won’t get invited to the other kid’s birthday parties because he looks different or he can’t keep up?

will it mean that a neighborhood mom won’t call me to join them on a stroll because she’s embarrassed?

in the quietness of their living room, her words pierced me, “Mica, there will never be a box for you.”  just like that. she said it. air hung on those words as i let them sink in . . .

and she was right.  while these past 2 years have been full of joy, there have been those little fleeting moments of uncertainty, where i’m just not quite sure where i fit in.  it’s those little moments where i’m learning what awareness is really all about . . . like when people ask his age, quietly wondering to themselves, “shouldn’t kids be able to walk by 2 years old?”  or when i’m in the waiting room at the pediatrician and i nervously laugh that oh, yes he’s 2, but he’s not really talking yet . . .

sometimes i throw it out there.  ya know, like the “i know that you know know i know” sort of thing.

then other times, i don’t feel the need to explain anything,  and so they quietly wonder.

there are things i still don’t know.

i’m not sure i’ll ever be ready to read books on Down syndrome or hear about “so and so’s cousin” with DS who is working! at a grocery store!  they say it with 2 exclamation points like i should be looking forward to my jackson being a bagger at kroger.

and here’s the deal.  if it makes HIM happy, then by all means, he can work and do as he pleases.

but right now, he’s 2 years old.  he delights in the magic of balloons.  he could watch toy story 3 every day if i let him.  he sequels with excitement when i open the front door at the adventures that await us out there.  he whines in his carseat until i play Ceo Lo Green’s “Forget You” or some other ridiculous pop song that i’m sure makes me a bad mother.

and while i’m quite positive that before 02.15.09, on multiple occasions i said some version of, “Oh, don’t be retarded!” i don’t feel sad, because i simply wasn’t aware of who might have taken offense at the R-word . . .

good ole’ websters says awareness means “concerned and well-informed of a situation or fact”.

in the past two years, i could have never guessed that my list of things i’d be “well-informed” about would be things like SureSteps, proprioception, Nystagmus, and ocular Torticollis.  but alas, not only has my vocabulary grown, but my capacity to extend grace towards those who are simply, unaware.

so, my jackson, thank you for opening my eyes to the simplicity of ball pits, balloons blowing in the breeze, and the glorious feeling of new spring grass running through our fingers.  i’m pretty sure i’m a better mother because of you, and i can’t wait for all the other things you will teach me along our way.

sometimes it’s hard to truly identify exactly what you are feeling, so you sort of pretend you are mad (for example) for an hour/day, whatever you need.  if it feels good, then hooray! you have identified your feeling!  if it doesn’t feel right, you can try on another emotion. most of the time, i realize, hey! i’m not mad at all, i’m actually feeling a bit sad . . .

in an effort to sort of clear through some mind clutter about the work/mama balance, this past week i allowed myself to “try on” Being A Mama.  i removed any guilt that i should be working on client projects, and hardly sat in front of my computer . . . and honestly, i was scared to death what might happen.

what if i HATE not working??  what if i’m a terrible mom 24/7??  what if i need to start drinking wine at 4pm because the kids have run me ragged?

the most incredible thing happened:  I Loved Every Second of It.

here are a few highlights of the week in mommyland:

i dusted off my REAL camera (remember the days of non-iphone pics!?) and had a glorious time taking candid pictures of the kids outside . . .

my creative energy  somehow redirected itself into Jackson’s 2 year party.  the “casual park afternoon party” took on a whole new level when i had time and creative brainpower to think about it.  this is where my need for problem solving and graphic design skills come in handy . . . i started rummaging around my craft baskets for free little touches that i could add to the party to bring it to life.  {i have a few posts about this coming up — one about the people who came and then another on the fun last minute details, so stay tuned}

we had a blast all week.  we crafted. we wrestled. we swung. we walked long walks.  we sat in the sunlight patches in our backyard for no reason.  we put away clothes that were too small.

all in all, it was glorious.

and don’t worry, clients, i haven’t forgotten about you.

i love how you love your brother.  i’ve never seen you smile the way you smile at him – smiling and laughing if he looks in your direction or starts crawling over to you, usually to steal your toy  . . . which of course, you happily hand him and smile.

a few months ago something struck me on a level that i couldn’t really take in — you will never see your brother as anything but Jackson, your big brother.  you think he hung the moon.  seriously.  you watch him like a hawk, try to do everything he does, and he doesn’t even give you the time of day.  he barely notices you, and when he does, he usually tries to pull your eyes out or makes sure your ears are still attached.

your unfailing love for him amazes me.  this afternoon i put both of you in your crib just for a moment so i could put away some laundry. i knew i couldn’t go very far because jackson has a sketchy past of attacking your sweet little face . . . but this time, he just sat there and you two smiled and laughed at each other for a long while.  it made my heart flutter in ways i didn’t know it could do . . .

and then of course, the Swiper striked again, over and over and still, you kept smiling.  you finally started swiping back — which of course, did NOT make jackson very pumped.  he threw a pretend tantrum {he’s gotten good at that recently} and you just kept on smiling at him, thinking it was a game.

but what was so incredible was the realization that you love jackson for EXACTLY who he is, and always will.  your little eyes don’t see some of the things i see sometimes .  . .

thank you for teaching me this afternoon what it could look like to just love, unhindered.

i attended a Polish luncheon yesterday, and Bill Hendricks spoke on Giftedness and it was an extremely powerful and encouraging message.

basically, he uses the word Giftedness to describe the inborn core strengths and natural motivation you instinctively use to do things that are satisfying and productive. Not just what you can do, but what you were born to do, enjoy doing, and do very well.

he had us rank our job satisfaction on a scale of 1-5 (1 means you hate your life every day in your current job, and 5 means you think you have the greatest job in the world).

i literally had to hold back the tears during the talk — because i’m a 5.  a legit, bonafide Five.  I absolutely LOVE my job (jobs).  Love. Love. Love.  most days i think i’m the luckiest gal in the whole world that i can dream and design and by some miracle, people pay for these services and products.

BUT, this comes with a difficult challenge:  i LOVE being a mom too.  i’m crazy in love with my kiddos, and i don’t want to miss a blink.

for the past two years i’ve been in Limbo.  limbo of being pregnant/nursing and raising these little babes, WHILE trying to maintain and keep up client relationships, gain new business, and altogether grow both Mica May Design and May Books.

the TRUTH is that i’m in way over my head.  the TRUTH is that i’m conflicted every day about wanting to spend time with my kids and wanting to work.  the TRUTH is that i’m a better woman, wife, and mom when i DO work!  the TRUTH is that there is not a perfect system for me as a “full time work at home mom” . . . and the logistics are killing me.

this year is all about being intentional (with my time/relationships/spending habits), and i think that as much as this artist bucks The System, i truly do need it.

i have had to teach myself the value of structure – scheduling my weeks, our meals, our yearly trips, etc.

but i have found that there is FREEDOM within the bounds of structure!  i just need to remind myself of these every day — because my mind doesn’t work in linear boxes.  my mind is a crazy place of designs and hopes and dreams and plans yet to be set . . . and i forget that a structure can be my friend in the midst of the craziness.

right now, my day to day life is a little tricky. madelyn needs more and more attention and work is at all time high.  until now, i’ve been able to sneak work into the nooks and crannys of my day (while she naps, plays in her excersaucer, on tuesdays when she is a MDO, and in the evenings when they are in bed). in August, she will join her brother at RISE 2-3 times a week, which will be a GREAT solution for both of us (she will love all the stimulation and the learning!) and i’ll have a quiet house i can full devote to work three days a week.

until then, i’m looking for a solution for me and my Madi.  i think i’m in denial that i need help more days a week than i’d like to admit.  with the NSS looming and lots of new design projects, i think scheduling out exact work hours and hiring some extra help is inevitable.

while i’d love to cook gourmet meals, grow veggies in our backyard, make all their photo albums of the past two years, go to yoga every morning . . . this just isn’t the season for those things.  my priorities are my hubby, my babies, and my companies.

yes, we’ll eat, but it might be an egg sandwich and i’m just perfectly fine with that!

because, something’s gotta give.